Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to return to Leonia Middle School and give a speech to the 7th graders for Career Day. My speech would be called “Some Remarks on the Rat Race of Life.”

I would begin by saying to them, See if you can give a fuck about something. My advice to you all is to give a fuck. Be wary of those who roll their eyes, those who are too cool to care, those who act bored. Only boring people get bored. Believe it now, or else someday you will be the sort of person who has to smell his own farts to know that he is alive. Do not become such a person.

Do not doubt for a second that Lord Of The Flies was a true story. Each of you is at an age when you have the power to permanently destroy the goodness of those around you. So take care not to talk trash and never to gang up on anyone, because the actions you take now may well determine whether you are a good or evil person in totality.

By the way, for this speech I would wear an eye-patch and I would have a wrinkly, jowly face.

I would close my speech by saying that when you pick on someone, you reveal yourself to be insecure and weak, and everything you get away with now will return to haunt you and mess up your sex life in about 6 or 7 years. So see if you can protect yourself from that by caring about something enthusiastically. Do that, or else you will find yourself entering pissing contests with strangers for the rest of your life.

Giving a fuck can be a hard thing, and diet and exercise help but they are no guarantee. Apply yourself and don’t be a sneaky dipshit. You may fool some of the people in your life now, but you will never fool me, and if you dismiss my advice my contempt will cling to you forever.

I would then fire a pearl-handled revolver into the air 5 times and escape by crashing my body through the windows of the auditorium.

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  1. bonnie max says:

    If I were principal of the school, I’d hire you.
    If I were principal of a HS, I’d hire you.

    It would be the only moment of the day that
    the attention of the kids would be captured.

    LOVE your blog!
    Love the directness and honesty!

  2. Emilia says:

    I like this so very much.

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